Trader Joe’s is a blessed haven among supermarkets. Trader Joe’s offers fantastic food for ludicrously affordable prices. Imagine if Walmart made delectable products besides their Southwest Spicy Mustard, cared about the environment, and was not full of weird people with mindboggling fashion sense.

 

Trader Joe’s is owned by a rich German family that I believe employs a team of Einsteins to manipulate flavors in a laboratory. They create food that is more addictive than sugar, crack and porn combined!  After having tried an immense quantity of Trader Joe’s products, I’m sharing the best Trader Joe’s products from my diligent and fattening research.

Behold the 18 Best Trader Joe’s items:

18) Bool Kogi Boneless Beef Ribs – These steak strips have a nice Korean flavor that’s not too spicy and if you cook it with Soyaki sauce, they are pretty damn marvelous.

17) Organic Extra Pulp Orange Juice – This OJ tastes like it was squeezed from oranges delivered by angels with ample chunks of pulp in each sip. I have not seen it in stores for a while, so good luck finding it.

16) Hot & Sweet Pepper Jelly – This incredible jelly has two of the most important qualities we seek in our mates, hotness and sweetness. There are chunks of hot pepper which create a harmonious balance between sugar and spice. I like to mix it with hummus to create a super sauce that makes a great base for sandwiches or dipping.

15) Pumpkin Butter – Oh my Lord! Forget cranberry… this is the perfect shmear for turkey. It is only available around the fall, so be sure to stock up, because once you run out, you will be counting down the days until Thanksgiving season, in spite of having to spend it with your insufferable family.

14) Goddess Dressing  An intriguing twist on tahini dressing with apple cider vinegar, soy sauce, and lemon juice, among others. This Goddess can turn any tasteless salad into a creamy bowl of scrumptiousness.

13) Organic Granny’s Apple Granola Cereal – This box of organic granola  is a stellar option for breakfast or snacking. Don’t be afraid to just pour it straight into your mouth from the box.

12) Caramelized Onion Dip – This potent, creamy and complex dip is made with sour cream, onion cream cheese, mayo, roasted garlic puree, veggies and a slew of other ingredients. The deep creaminess coupled with the onions makes this worth every second of your loved one’s post-dip onion breath.

11) Cinnamon Apple Snack Sticks – Forget potato chips… betcha can’t eat just one of these crunchy babies. The sweet crunch along with the cinnamon gets in your molars and beckons you to keep pounding more. Please let us know how long the big bag lasts you once you open it.

10) Chocolate Cheese – I am not sure if they even still make this, but I hope to the Lord they bring it back. Imagine decadent aged cheddar with curly pockets of dark chocolate dispersed throughout it — it was a celestial cheese and the best I ever had. PLEASE make it again Joe!

9) BBQ Chicken Pizza – Trader Joe’s has tons of different frozen pizzas and this is my second favorite from the group. The tangy BBQ is what every chicken pizza needs in its very short life.

8) Quattro Formaggio – This mixed bag of cheese is quintessentially Italian and tastes incredible. The four different cheese flavors swirl into one super duper cheese. Use it in salads, wraps, sandwiches, or you can just eat it straight from the bag like I do at times.

7) Wild Mushroom & Black Truffle Pizza – Joe has brought exotic truffles to the masses with my favorite Trader Joe’s frozen pizza. You can really taste the black truffle which melds together perfectly with the mozzarella cheese and variety of mushrooms, including procini. I like to add a tad more cheese (above), garlic powder and spicy honey to kick up the flavor profile.

6) Pita Crisps with Cranberry and Pumpkin Seeds – This seasonal sweet and salty mix artisanal pita chip is sensational on its own, but when you combine it with the dip below, one bag is truly not nearly enough.

5) Jalapeno Greek Yogurt Dip – I severely dislike like yogurt, but I loooooove this exquisite dip. The mild yogurt taste along with the tantalizing blend of flavors and touch of heat make this my favorite dip ever. The flavors entwine together in such an addictive fashion. I would recommend that even the lactose intolerant try some, because any consequence will be worth it.

4) Sour Cream and Onion Corn Puffs – This is like a huge bag of puffy crack. So light, airy, crunchy and full of sour cream and onion loveliness. I literally wash my hands five times hoping to stop, before returning to grab another blissful handful. I am considering selling these on corners where Trader Joe’s is not in the market yet.

3) White Cheddar Corn Puffs – See above, but the flavor is even better.

2) Speculoos Crunchy Cookie Butter – This treat is an utter masterpiece. The smooth peanut butter like texture, the intoxicating flavor and the slight crunchy cookie crumbs all merge together in a symphony of multiple foodgasms. Do not waste your time on the chocolate swirl and non-crunchy variety. The crunchy version is the Holy Grail. Trust me and buy at least two.

1) Cookie Butter Ice Cream – When I open this ice cream lid this is what I hear as my eyes widen in exuberance and I feel my palate open like the gates of heaven for an unadulterated taste of nirvana. Instead of trying to describe to you what heaven tastes like, I will simply suggest: drop whatever you are doing right now, call Trader Joe’s to see if they are carrying this prize (they run out fast) and if so, run over there and get it. You can thank me later.

Hope you enjoyed my Best Trader Joe items. Feel free to share your own or argue with me anytime.

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