Written By Matt Ralston

Hamburger Mary’s Review

Hamburger Mary’s has been a fixture in West Hollywood’s Boys Town since 1985, opening just a year after the city was founded. Its cherry red booths and lacquer tables carry with them a history of countless drag queen bingo nights, drag queen karaoke nights, drag queen trivia nights, and above all a reputation as having one of the best burgers in town, served in a bright open air environment complete with giant goblets of Stoli and cran, and a bathroom with a disco ball which plays Dancing Queen by Abba on repeat all day every day for good measure. And of course, they deliver your check in a glittery high heeled shoe for reasons unknown.

We chose the Mozzarella Sticks to start, which are hand breaded and fried to a golden brown. Dip them in marinara and they’re a perfect primer for a night of boozing. Crunchy on the outside, rich and creamy on the inside. I asked the waiter and they indeed use fresh mozzarella. So many places these days are just cutting up the string cheese we ate in grammar school, or worse, resorting to COSTCO’s frozen section. I had three and was already full but that wasn’t going to stop me from ordering the Queen Mary Burger, topped with bacon strips, grilled onions and thousand island. The burger was an orgy of flavor, the grilled onions perfectly complimenting the lightly charred meat. This is a once a month meal.

My friend wants to order the Crazy Stack Burger, which is a one pound patty served between two grilled cheese sandwiches, and topped with bacon, mac and cheese, and avocado. I’m already glued to my seat, more than likely not able to even finish my humble Queen. I tell him maybe next time and he goes with the Mushroom Burger. Good call.

Having just finished a few giant goblets of Stella and a round of mysterious ooze served in a test tube which a young bikini lady brought by our table which tasted like the devil’s Gatorade, we needed to resist the urge for a nap and continue drinking.

After one last bathtub sized trough of booze (OMG sized cocktail of vodka and soda with a dash of cran, serves the whole table) we stumbled into the night ready to take on the best of WeHo. There’s something about drinking out of a communal punch bowl of booze that is extremely satisfying. First of all the shape of the glass allows for the last drop of your concoction to still be shrouded in ice cubes. Perhaps it’s that you can’t monitor your intake and nobody’s judging you. We probably sucked down the equivalent of three drinks in half the time as normal. It’s all smiles from here on out.